I’m trying something a bit different today. You’re intrigued, aren’t you. I had an idea a while ago of creating a fictional advice column, imagining some ludicrous situations that are met with truly terrible advice.
I love advice columns and agony aunts. I think they’re magical pop-culture confessionals that can genuinely help support people who might have no one else to confide in. So I want to make clear this isn’t to mock or belittle. It’s something silly and fun to flex those creative muscles.
So please, come and Gag On That! With Ms Gagony…
Hey Ms Gagony, I live with 3 housemates who I love. We’re in our mid-twenties and we all met at uni. I recently got diagnosed with IBS and my housemates have now asked me to pay more towards our communal toilet roll. I know it’s still a cozzie livs crisis but this doesn’t feel fair?
This is a case of true discrimination. You are so selfish. IBS isn’t even real, you’re a farty princess and you’re just being dramatic. I can’t believe you’re expecting your friends to foot the bill for your frequent toilet trips. Not only are you using more than your share of the toilet roll, you’re probably ruining the planet in the process by all your excessive flushing and drain blocking. Maybe you should forego the toilet roll altogether and start using washable rags. I’m entirely on their side. It’s tough shit.
I have too many friends and I don’t want to hang out with them anymore, have you got any advice?*
Wear a sandwich board outside Liverpool St. station to alienate people. You could also hand out flyers with a QR code of your LinkedIn profile as well. Oh, wait that’s if you want a job isn’t it. Have you thought about just getting a job instead? One that wants you in the office 5 days a week and asks you to put in long hours would be perfect and then you won’t have time for friends anyway.
Ms. Gagony, I’m a dog sitter. I love my job. But I’m vegan and can’t stand their food - can I swap tripe with falafel and avoid telling the dog owners?
I think that’s an incredible idea. A little bit of secrecy never never hurt anyone, ever. Maybe you could start a new Instagram for vegan dog food recipes or write a cookbook? Although honestly, falafel feels a bit 2012, have you considered a silken tofu? Broadening the horizons of pets is a real gift that you’re imparting onto the world. Their small little pea minds would otherwise never discover what’s out there beyond tennis balls and sniffing bums. You’re like the Mother Teresa of dogs. Mama Woofer.
I’ve recently discovered that my armpits smell like pretzels - do you think I can monetise this? I'm a student and I need money. P.S. Love your column Ms. Gags!
When you say you recently discovered this, do you think it was something you ate? Like how asparagus makes your wee smell like Clairol Nice'n Easy hair dye? Absolutely, you should monetise everything you can. All of your hobbies, interests and quirks exist entirely for this purpose. Do your feet also smell of anything? Maybe we could pitch a pheromone-matching TV dating show to ITV? Perhaps you’ll be able to find love with someone who enjoys visits to Disneyland.
Actually, when you see this can you just get in touch - I have so many more questions for you. I also run a talent management agency I think this could work for us.
So bit of a weird one actually. My partner’s been acting strange recently. He was standoffish and sullen. He started clawing at our furniture and even bought me home a dead mouse he found on the street last week. I realised he’s accidentally been drinking multiple cups of dried catnip tea instead of herbal blend - what should I do?
What the fuck? Call a vet or something you freak.
*I know on the adverse, making friends can sometimes feel like an all too real problem, so my genuine advice would be to sign up to events through Chanté Joseph’s Strangers In The City or go for dinner with Timeleft - to be in the company of other individuals who are also seeking connection with others is a great place to start.
Really enjoyed this. The IBS toilet-roll sitch made me laugh out loud!!!