If these Lime bikes could talk
Roll with it
Okay, maybe I’m taking the whole leaning back into creativity a bit too far. I don’t know. Today I’ve actually gone for something entirely nonsensical. I was thinking that you could say I’ve gone mad. But gone would imply I wasn’t already mad and in the interest of being honest I don’t think it’s a statement I could stand by.
I’ve taken influence from the marvel that is
. More specifically, her obsession with interviewing inanimate objects. I read her interview with the Tom Ford bronzer, after she was inspired by its use in Oppenheimer and role in accentuating the impossible cheekbones of Cillian Murphy. “Bronzenheimer” had a story to tell. I gawped at it, fumbled over it, and knew as soon I guzzled it up I wanted to give it a go. So, what was it going to be?I’ve been getting into Lime bikes recently. Like literally getting them everywhere. A 10-minute walk is a 45-second ride. Facts. Any Londoner these days will agree, we’ve been in the midst of an electric bike epidemic for some time now. I’ve finally succumbed. They’re great but actually really annoying. I’ll say it’s a 50/50 chance I’ll go for one that’s broken or unrideable. Faffing about finding another one adds the same amount of time back onto the journey that I expected to save. Poor Lime bikes, I started to think. What if they had a chance to actually give their side of the story? A Pick Me Up magazine “tell all” if you will. Behold, a series of short interviews with Lime bikes and their take on the state of things.
God I almost want to apologise for what you’re about to read. Almost. But you’re not here under duress and you can leave at any point. Although please don’t. Thanks for indulging me in all my creative pursuits…
Lime bike #1 - name: XXX-OLD, mile range: 22, completed journeys: 7,882
There’s just no respect these days. Back in my day, people cared, you know. We used to have a voice. This country has gone to the dogs. Power to the people and all that, well now look. They couldn’t give a toss. I’m joining a union.
Lime bike #2 - name: XXX-SEX, mile range: 69, completed journeys: 17,430
Calling all boys, girls, and non-binary babes, I’m looking for the ride of my life. I know exactly how to show you a good time. My suspension is so bad it’s good. Why don’t you come, have a little bounce and find out for yourself…
Lime bike #3 - name: XXX-NIT, mile range: 60, completed journeys: 395
HA! You thought I was fully functioning, didn’t you!?! I love this game. Oi, lads, oi, I got another one! Yeah, haha! Too easy. They walk over all excited, see I’m fully charged and think they’re in with a winner. Sometimes they even scan me before they realise and then POW, go to cycle off and find out I have no left pedal. Oldest trick in the book. My teachers at school were so wrong, I really did amount to something!
Lime bike #4 - name: XXX-SAD, maile range: 47, completed journeys: 3,054
She fucking left me, didn’t she. One sniff of Human Forest and she was gone. They give you 10 minutes free a day, you know? Disgusting. Just encouraging unfaithful behaviour that is. I should have known better. She was with Boris bikes before she found me and look I’m not proud of it, but there was a bit of crossover. I just miss her. Sorry, do you mind if we stop there my oil’s leaking. [INTERVIEWER: You’re a bike you don’t have any oil?] *sniffles* someone just get me a tissue, PLEASE.
Lime bike #5 - name: XXX-ILL, mile range: 9, completed journeys: 1,470
My basket is disgusting. Have you seen it? Take a look. I can’t even identify all of the substances individually. I am riddled with infection. I think it might be Lime disease. I’ve been asking for months if I can get a tetanus shot. The healthcare around here is absolutely shocking, I’m looking into going private.
Lime bike #6 - name: XXX-FUK, mile range: N/A, completed journeys: N/A
I’m honestly so flattered to be included! You know, as a Lime scooter, I- [INTERVIEWER: Oh, no sorry, no not you. God this is awkward].
Lime bike #7 - name: XXX-TAT “Slimey”, mile range: 27, completed journeys: 1964
I first got inked a few months ago. Someone turned the ‘Lime’ on my mudguard into “Slimey”. The guys took the piss a bit at first but it’s actually given me a bit of a reputation. Got a bit of a gang together now, we all hang around over at the half pipe, getting in a bit of trouble. It’s not all bad.
Lime bike #8 - name: XXX-SIN, mile range: 13, completed journeys: 285, unaccounted journeys: (approx) 3429
I just keep getting stolen and it’s so embarrassing. Click click click off I go down the street. It is mortifying. I’m an accessory to crime, entirely against my will! Where will it end?! I want to be an upstanding citizen in society treated with respect. Have a frolic over Hampstead heath, or cycle along the canal path. A bike can dream.
Now all that’s left to ask is which Lime bike would you be, why and will you still be back again next week?