This week I cannot settle. My restless leg relentlessly shakes. I am distracted. I have transcendent visions of things I have not experienced. I’m transported to a faraway land. Eyes closed, face turned tall towards the sun like a sunflower looking for nutrients. There’s a certain stillness and tranquillity to it that overcomes me, momentarily suspending me in time from the real world. All my senses engage at once. I can smell sea air and feel the refreshing chill of a gentle breeze on my face, cutting through the heat from the sun. In the vision, I briefly open my eyes and see azure blue skies and golden sandstone buildings. The sea sways, gentle and constant, off into the distance. I wonder if it’s simply a dream or perhaps a premonition. A place I’ll soon come to find myself. A sense of peace I’m yearning for. A craving to travel and explore.
We’ve so far had 1 day of sunny weather, just about warm enough to sit in the park for a few hours during the afternoon. I forgot the feeling of pressure summer personally delivers to me. A cruel anticipation of an ending. Pre-mourning the loss of all the things I won’t get to do. All the best laid plans that’ll inevitably fall by the wayside.
Since I was young I’ve always felt it’s too late. Too late before it’s even begun. I think it’s a fear of failure coupled with comparison to others. If someone else has got their first or started before me, how will I ever compete?! Maybe that’s part of the problem. Removing ideas of contest or competition. Working purely within my own timelines is perhaps the answer. Or even thinking smaller. On a teeny tiny scale. Accepting that summer months need not be packed full of outlandish plans, soaking up every waking second until the winter draws its back in. Staying present and not thinking about the end, or the switching of seasons until it arrives. Spend less time worrying about the things I irrefutably cannot control.
I think I’m looking for change. Or at least I feel more aware of it. I guess this is really a continuation of thoughts from last week’s newsletter. The welcoming of spring and the suddenness of its arrival. How the hues of the sky become more heavily saturated. The structure of our days looks different, with so much free time in the evenings for things we’re unable to do in winter. We engage more easily with nature, wanting to be outside as much as possible. As the sky and the ground start to feel different, I want to feel different too. Shedding the skin of recent months and all that I want to leave behind as I look forward. I want to shake myself new. Walking into the next part of this year with an assertiveness in my step. A lightness that makes me float not with aimlessness, but without the crushing weight of expectation.
The End
By A. A. Milne
When I was One,
I had just begun.When I was Two,
I was nearly new.When I was Three,
I was hardly me.When I was Four,
I was not much more.When I was Five,
I was just alive.But now I am six,
I'm as clever as cleverSo I think I'll be six now
Forever and ever.