Starting is believing
Reflections on 6 months of Drafting
Today I want to celebrate myself and my accomplishments. Me, me me. On Monday, it will be 6 whole months of writing weekly newsletters and weekly roundups. Wowee I am impressive.
I think in many ways, if my Dad hadn’t died I wouldn’t be writing this right now. It would always be one day, tomorrow, in the future. But never now. Drafting would forever be a thought, nothing tangible. I’ve tried before and failed. Well, not failed but been unable to stay committed. Writing blogs or poems and sharing them with excitement only to be crippled by the fear of how my work would be perceived. Now, I just simply do not care. I also have a tendency to lie more.
I very much do care about how others feel about and relate to my writing. It’s my chosen form of communication, how I articulate all of my feelings and get out there into the world. I want nothing more than for people, someone, anyone to feel comforted by things I say or reassured about their own experiences. I want to build connections and reinforce a sense of belonging. Then, world dominaition!
What I think I mean by not caring is actually more about no longer having fear. Or less fear perhaps. I first heard and learnt the phrase ‘memento mori’ a few months ago. It’s Latin and basically means remember that you have to die or don’t forget to die. I think a lot of people find it quite affronting but it’s perhaps the best way to describe how I view things now. I don’t want to sound like a cliche, but death puts into perspective how short our lives truly are. Sometimes you have to do things before you feel like you’re quite ready. Grabbing hold of opportunities with brute force before we risk them vanishing entirely.
I had a conversation with a friend not long ago about the fear of being embarrassing on social media if you start up your own venture. Being judged by others for following your passion with blind optimism. I said something along the lines of “Those people probably already find you embarrassing”. What I meant by that was, whether you do the thing you really want to do or whether you don’t there will always be people on the periphery who’ll have something to say. Ignore them. Do your thing.
It’s sort of like one of those icebreaker questions, “What would you do if you thought you couldn’t fail?” Or if no one was watching.
wrote something a while back that I bookmarked about finding your voice and how scary starting out can be.“When I first started writing, I had zero confidence. Even in my early blogging days, I would never share it on Facebook or anywhere where my friends, family or acquaintances could see it because I was worried people would judge me. Writing your feelings on the internet wasn't as normalized and widespread as it is now. Even ten years ago, people thought you were just attention-seeking when really, you were just trying to practice your first-person writing style.”
Everyone has to start somewhere. Even Sunday Times best-selling authors. You have to watch your work evolve, witnessing the ways you’re improving and sticking with it. Showing up is what’s important.
I’ve also found
a constant source of wisdom since subscribing to their Substack. I’ve mentioned them often, you might have noticed. I saved something from a few months ago about celebrating mediocrity when it comes to starting something new and the importance of appreciating each and every little milestone along the way.“To be on the path of self-discovery is to be anti-perfectionist and to celebrate the mediocre nature of starting, beginning again, and being an artist amongst artists. It is accepting that the only way to begin is to start at the beginning. When we wish to jump ahead we miss the sweetness that you only get when you do something for the first time, or when you give yourself enough permission to start something over again.”
There is so much beauty in starting out. The small wins and milestones that feel like you’re on the right track. I don’t have thousands of subscribers. Success hasn’t happened overnight and I’m not a mover nor a shaker. But I’m so grateful for each and every single person who takes the time to read my work and I’m proud of myself for putting it out there.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been some near misses. Writing and tweaking minutes before I’m meant to have the newsletter scheduled. I’ve found the summer particularly hard. I definitely haven’t found my flow when it comes to carving out dedicated writing time. I think writing in the winter is so much more appealing. Curled up in cosy clothes, nestling into the slower-paced days. There’s lots of time for writing then. I guess on that note, here’s seeing what the next 6 months bring.
Keep going! Really enjoying these.