To list or not to list

My brain is in my notes app

I can’t stop making lists. I set myself a list everyday, usually planned out for the next 3 or 4 days in advance. If I haven’t looked at my list in over 30 minutes I get angsty. I usually wake up and fail to have achieved something on my list within the first 10 minutes of the day. See, everything on my lists is timed. Snooze that alarm for 20 mins and fuck, the whole day is ruined. 

I’m not actually sure when I started making to-do lists, it’s hard to remember a time without them. It’s like a little man sits inside my head directing me. Less like a puppet master and more like an operator’s cab of a crane. He wears a hard hat and he says, ‘you must optimise your time!’ Go away, little man. 

The thing is I do forget things if I don’t write them down. Which is fine. A good reason to have a list. It runs in the family. My grandma’s house is littered with yellow post-it notes that she refers to as her brain. Write it down or else. 

I tried so hard to resist on holiday, like I said last week. But as we made dinner reservations I itched and twiddled my thumbs until finally relenting and putting them into my list, with a time, for each day. I just couldn’t help myself. 

Creator: Aleksei Egorov | Credit: 123RF

In

Haley Nahman

’s #179: Beyond Routines she opens by saying “I’ve spent most of my life dreaming up routines that might finally stick.” She goes onto talk about how routines are normalised in popular culture - we have morning routines, and writing routines. Don’t get me started on bullet journals.

I can relate to Haley here. Clearly I’ve never found one that’s “stuck” in the sense that if I don’t write it down and somewhat coerce myself into it then it probably won’t happen. Or maybe I’m just not giving myself enough credit. Perhaps I can ride the bike of my life and routines without the stabilisers of my lists and I just haven’t tried? 

Haley goes on to talk about the comparisons to religious routines, noting the intrigue of the ‘practised way of doing things and the opportunity to become aware of the world in striking new ways’. Versus the repetition and often dull predictability that the concept of a more structured life can often offer. 

I would love to lift the glass ceiling of the Note on my phone called “THINGS TO DO”, smash all the shards into Recently Deleted and give myself the freedom of going through the day simply as it takes me. Like a little feather floating in the wind. But the fear of not having “done enough” in the day looms over me. I crave the constant little boosts of dopamine that come with having crossed something off. A good job well done. 

As I’ve said I did really try to lean into it on holiday. It was a deliberate do-nothing trip. Having each day broadly mapped out, without the pressure of tasks to tick off in order for the day to be a success. I tried my best to indulge in it. But on the plane home writing out my to-dos for the following days was like a sweet, sweet release. 

I’ve tried to bargain and negotiate with myself on weekends. I mean come on, Mary. Most of the time it leaves me feeling listless (haha). There’s just something about the need for productivity I wish I could shake. This all sounds so girl-boss and it’s really not, my lists are mundane at best. So much so I’ve even tried to liven them up with emojis here and there. 

Well, now I get to cross off the task for writing this week’s Substack so thank you, Drafters.